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So, several years ago, I made a goal to stop comparing myself to others. And let me tell you: It hasn't been easy. With 24/7 access to view the best parts of everyone else's lives right on my phone, I know exactly how I measure up against every other mom, wife and speaker with a social media account.
Contrary to what most people think, communication style is not exclusively determined by personality. It is also affected by the choices we have learned to make by watching others, trial and error attempts, parental influence and a variety of life experiences. Communication style is a choice. For example, we choose words, how loudly we speak, timing of the conversation and the strategies we use to influence others. These choices affect whether or not people hear our point or are distracted by our behavior. When we make the wrong communication choices, people have two thoughts:
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
Altruistic acts include not only those undertaken in order to do goodto others, but also those undertaken in order to avoid or prevent harmto them. Suppose, for example, someone drives her car extra cautiouslybecause she sees that she is in an area where children are playing, andshe wants to insure that she injures no one. It would be appropriate tosay that her caution is altruistically motivated. She is not trying tomake those children better off, but she is being careful not to makethem worse off. She does this because she genuinely cares about them fortheir sake.
As noted above, altruistic acts are guided by assumptions made by theagent about the well-being of some other individual or group. Whatwell-being consists in is a disputed matter, but it is uncontroversialthat a distinction must be drawn between (i) what constituteswell-being and (ii) what is a necessary means towards or apre-condition of well-being. This kind of distinction is familiar, andis applicable in all sorts of cases. For example, we distinguishbetween what a breakfast consists in (cereal, juice, coffee) and thethings one needs in order to eat breakfast (spoons, glasses, mugs).There is no such thing as eating breakfast but not eating anythingthat breakfast consists in. In the same way, well-being must be soughtand fostered by seeking and fostering the good or goods in whichwell-being consists. Rival theories of well-being are competing waysof answering the question: what are its constituents? After we haveanswered that question, we need to address the further question of howbest to obtain those constituents. (Contemporary discussions ofwell-being can be found in Badhwar 2014; Feldman 1994, 2010; Fletcher2016; Griffin 1986; Kraut 2007; Sumner 1996 Tiberius 2018.)
Perhaps the people you know are like this. But my experienceof the world is rather different from yours. I know many people whotry to benefit others for their sake. I myself act altruistically. So,at most, your theory applies only to the people in your socialworld.
To take matters to an extreme, it might be suggested that our ultimatemotivation is always entirely other-regarding. According to thisfar-fetched hypothesis, whenever we act for our own good, we do so notat all for our own sake, but always entirely for the sake of someoneelse. The important point here is that the denial that altruism existsshould be regarded with as much suspicion as this contrary denial,according to which people never act ultimately for their own good.Both are dubious universal generalizations. Both have farless plausibility than the common sense assumption that peoplesometimes act in purely egoistic ways, sometimes in purely altruisticways, and often in ways that mix, in varying degrees, the good ofoneself and the good of others.
The consequentialist has a more radical interpretation of whatimpartiality means and requires. His ideal of impartiality does notallow the lifeguard to take into consideration the fact that byswimming north he will be able to save his friend. After all,the well-being of his friend is not made more valuable simplybecause that person is his friend. Just as my good is notmade more valuable than the good of others simply because it ismy good, so too the well-being of my friend deserves no extraweight because he is a friend of mine. So, the lifeguard,according to the consequentialist, must choose to save one grouprather than the other solely on the basis of the greater balance ofgood over bad.
If we adopt a weaker interpretation of impartiality, we see thejustification of altruism simply by seeing that we have a duty to aidother people in certain circumstances. The moral rule that requires usto help others is a rule that calls upon us to help them not as ameans to our own good, but simply in virtue of their need. And we seethe rule as justified by recognizing that it strikes a proper balancebetween our self-concern and the appropriate claims of others.
when we take up the objective standpoint, the problem is not thatvalues seem to disappear but that there are too many of them, comingfrom every life and drowning out those that arise from our own. (1986:147)
what is most important in human relationships cannot be captured by anapproach that begins with a general rule about how to treat others,and justifies a certain way of treating each particular individualsimply by applying that general rule.
The same point applies to questions about everyday rules that governsuch acts as promise-keeping, lying, theft, and other kinds of suspectbehavior. Here too we rightly expect each other to have a generalpolicy, one that takes these sorts of actions to be wrong in normalcircumstances. That a promise has been freely made is normally adecisive reason for keeping it; someone who keeps a promise only if hehas a positive feeling about doing so would not be treating others asthey rightly expect to be treated. (For opposing views, see Dancy2004; Ridge and McKeever 2006.)
What is wrong with those who do not care about others for their sake?It could be the case that such individuals are themselves worse offfor their lack of altruistic motivation. That is what a eudaimonistmust say, and we have not objected to that aspect of eudaimonism. Itcould also be the case that there is a failure of rationality amongthose who are never altruistic or insufficiently altruistic. But itshould not be assumed that there must be something else that goes awryin those who are not altruistic or not altruistic enough, beyond thefact that when they ought to have cared about some individual otherthan themselves, they failed to do so. 2ff7e9595c
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